Jim Bakker: Evangelical Armageddon Prepper Supply Salesman

Chapter I
Reverend Bakker Engages in Sexual Congress Outside of the Marriage Bed

On December 8, 1980, wearing only a terry cloth bathing costume, the Reverend James Orsen Bakker did creep into a hotel room in Clearwater, Florida. Inside awaited 21 year old church secretary Jessica Hahn, who had been procured for the Reverend Bakker by defrocked Assembly of God minister John Wesley Fletcher. “I’ve captured a little bird for ye, Jim Bakker!” Fletcher had exclaimed.

Upon plying her with libations, the married Reverend Bakker engaged in sexual relations with Ms. Hahn. On Reverend Bakker’s telling, these relations were simply adulterous. On Ms. Hahn’s telling, in addition to being adulterous these relations where also non-consensual.

The Reverend Baker, who made his bones on Pat Robertson’s The 700 Club, was by this time a wealthy and powerful televangelist. He and wife Tammy Faye owned matching Rolls Royces, gold plated home fixtures, and an air-conditioned dog house. Praise the Lord (PTL)! Praise the Lord (PTL)!

Chapter II
Reverend Bakker Repents and Goes to Prison

In March of 1987 The Charlotte Observer Newspaper revealed Reverend Bakker’s rapey adulterous encounter with Jessica Hahn. Unfortunately for Reverend Bakker, evangelical Christians take a dim view of adultery. A tearful and repentant Reverend Bakker was herewith forced to resign his position as Pentecostal Grand Poobah and transfer control of his PTL Club to righteous Baptist rhinoceros Jerry Falwell.

The Charlotte Observer Newspaper also revealed the $265,000 of hush money the Reverend Bakker had embezzled from the ministry to pay off Ms. Hahn. This revelation drew the attention of federal authorities who, in turn, uncovered a decade of fraudulent timeshare sales for a hotel in a Christian theme park (Heritage U.S.A.) that would never be completed.

Sadly for Reverend Bakker, mail order fraud is a felonious enterprise. Reverend Bakker was henceforth sentenced to 45 years in prison. As if to rub salt in his wounds, his wife Tammy Faye divorced him, turned toward the light, and started being nice to gay people.  

Chapter III
The Angel of Death Arises and Reverend Bakker Sells Buckets of Survival Chow

In November of 2016 Reverend James Orsen Bakker is inexplicably no longer in prison. He’s back to doing the Lord’s work on television. Or rather, he’s back to doing the Lord’s work on YouTube. “Most of you are so young you don’t know who I am,” Reverend Bakker 2.0 exclaimed, “and that’s good.” Instead of gathering donations from his ministry to build a Christian theme park, now he gathers donations from his ministry in exchange for apocalyptic survival supplies.

Sampling a spoonful of lumpy wallpaper paste that was mixed in a bucket with an entrenching tool, adulterous date-raping embezzler and convicted mail fraud felon, Reverend Jim Bakker wants you to know that God speaks to him. God told him that West coast urban elites will be swallowed by divine earthquakes. All of the American counties that supported Hillary Clinton in the 2016 Presidential election, in fact, will be punished by God. Also, Reverend Jim Bakker wants you to know that after you eat the dehydrated survival paste you can use the bucket to poop in.

Slurping from a 40 gallon vat of re-hydrated broccoli cheese rice that was mixed in a plastic trough with an army surplus shovel, Jim Bakker wants you to know that Donald Trump was sent by God to save America. Simultaneously, he wants to convince you that you need to buy buckets of dehydrated survival food because any day now the Lord is coming with fire. And modus ponens. The angel of death is going to be great for business.

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by Steve Heikkila