Dan Adamini wants the National Guard to Murder College Students

Chapter I

“My God They’re Killing Us!”

In May, in the Year of our Lord nineteen hundred and seventy, amidst the tensions of a most unpopular American proxy war waged against the Union of Soviet Socialists Republic and the People’s Republic of China in Vietnam, college students at Kent State University didst protest the illegal bombing of the nation of Cambodia by the administration of President Richard Milhouse Nixon.

Alas, peaceful demonstrations soon turned destructive! Rocks and bottles were witnessed to be thrown. An ROTC building was alit in fire! Most alarmed by the unfolding of events, Ohio Governor James Rhodes gesticulated thusly concerning the student protesters: “They’re the worst type of people that we harbor in America. I think that we’re up against the strongest, well-trained, militant, revolutionary group that has ever assembled in America.” Note thee that in the context of the American Revolutionary war, this claim is most bold! Governor Rhodes didst forthwith summon a well armed militia (the Ohio State National Guard) to enforce order.

On May 4th, in the Year of our Lord nineteen hundred and seventy, Ohio National Guardsmen, brandishing M1 Garand rifles, at least one .45 calibre pistol of the nineteen hundred and eleven variety, and a 12 gauge shotgun, didst fire 67 shots, some high, some low, and some into the crowd of protesting students. Nine members of the aforementioned student protesters were injured. Four additional student protesters were shot dead. “My God they’re killing us!” one of the students was heard to say. This grievous American tragedy henceforth would be known to history as the Kent State Massacre.

Chapter II

‘Yooper’ Dan Adamini Sings Songs Both Funny and Pious

Dan Adamini is a former chair of the Marquette County Republicans in the state of Michigan’s Upper Peninsula–a region of America populated by trees, whitetail deer, and a smattering of conservative Christian caucasians. Dan is a writer of funny songs, which he posts on YouTube. He’s your drunk uncle. Oh the things Dan is wont to say! Most of Dan’s funny songs are morality plays lamenting the offenses that God-fearing commonsensical Republicans must endure at the hands of mean, cruel, liberal idiots. In some regions of the earth the things Dan frequently sayeth would be deemed incorrect politically, but objections ariseth not in Dan’s homogenous community of people who mostly look, think, act, and believe precisely as Dan does.

Dan even has a radio show where upon he ranteth much about the liberal idiot ilk, and pens and records jocular songs and limericks. Yes, limericks, with titles like Black Thugs Don’t Matter, [Recently Deleted], [Recently Deleted], and [Recently Deleted]. Ha ha ha! Those are very clever Dan!

Here are some lyrics from a ditty Dan recorded about idiot liberal Trump rally protesters. It’s sung to the tune of Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves by 60s pop duo Sonny and Cher:

“Goons Thugs Liberal Scum,

They came into the stadium and ruined it all.

Punks, bums, Democrat Scum

They spend their lives spreading violence and hate.

With an IQ of 8.”

Hahahahahaha! It would seem as though drunk uncle Dan gets a wee bit mean spirited when he drinks.

Witness also Dan’s jocular YouTube “how to” video explaining to persecuted Republicans how to argue with an idiot. A strawman liberal walks by Dan (apparently no real liberals were available at casting) and verbally abuses Dan with the 1st Amendment’s Anti-establishment clause for saying “God bless you” when the straw-liberal sneezes. Dan defends himself by beating the straw-liberal in the face with a facile tome penned by Glenn Beck!  The title of that book? Arguing with Idiots. Ho! Yes. Lesson learned Dan!

When a conservative exercises free speech, and a straw-liberal meets that expression of free speech with an expression free speech in kind, whack him in his face with a book! Where words fail violence is the way! But worry thee not! Twas all in good jest. He meant no harm. For be it known that Dan is a Godly and most pious specimen. This is vouched for sooth by an album of Contemporary Christian songs written and recorded by Dan Adamini called Family…Faith (and a Little Fun).

I entreat thee not to reduce thyself to tears as I recount the message of love in Dan’s ode, I Believe:

“Blessed are we who hope in the Lord.

Blessed are we who believe.

We who receive God’s mercy and love, and then become what we receive!”

And become what we receive indeed! Well sung Dan! Well sung!

Chapter III

Dan Adamini Counsels the National Guard to Slay College Youth Dead

On February 2nd, in the Year of our Lord two thousand and seventeen, protests did break out on the the campus of the University of California at Berkeley objecting to an invitation by College Republicans for a visit by Breitbart news white nationalist click bait author Milo Yiannopoulous. Protests did eventually become riotous as anarchist black bloc provocateurs took over the protest, as they are wont to do, and commenced destroying property!

Contemporary Christian recording artist and Conservative limerick radio host Dan Adamini was agast! He took to Twitter to protest this riotous protesting, tweeting

“Violent protesters who shut down free speech? Time for another Kent State perhaps. One bullet stops a lot of thuggery.”

Much calamity ensued! People complained, expressing horror and alarm at Dan’s ominous proposal. How could Dan, who receives God’s mercy and love, suggest the use of state violence to murder college students? Where these college students not people’s children? Is it because they are liberal idiots that they must die? A Glenn Beck hardcover across the face is one thing, but a California National Guardsman’s rifle bullet is quite another thing, sir!

It was all a big mistake! “Taking a lot of heat for a very poorly worded tweet yesterday,” Wrote Dan, who wears a t-shirt in his Twitter profile photo that says I’m never wrong.  It would appear that Dan simply ‘misspoke’. “Sorry folks, the intent was to try to stop the violence, not encourage more.” It makes sense. Rare is the college student who becomes violent after being shot dead by a National Guardsman.

That addresses the poorly worded Tweet, which Dan has since deleted. No word yet on Dan’s poorly worded Facebook post (also since deleted):

“The violent protests at our university certainly indicate Portage acacian at the lower level. I’m thinking another Kent State might be the only solution protest stopped after only one death. They do it because they know there are no consequences yet.”

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by Steve Heikkila