Dick Turpin the Highwayman. In Dark Times Pizzagate satire.
Dick Turpin riding on Black Bess, from a Victorian era toy theatre.

Chapter I
Edgar Maddison Welch Reads Fake PizzaGate News Stories

‘Twas the evening of December 3rd, 2016, and Edgar Maddison Welch, a graduate of Cape Fear Community College, sat in his Salisbury, North Carolina home, busily trolling the Web and eating his Salisbury steak. He was a slim athletic fellow, ginger haired, with a bristle of beard upon his chin. His attire was that of any suburbanite – a thin shirt of died blue cotton, and close fitting pantaloons of a denim weave. His boots were buff and waffle soled. Such was the costume which he wore. At his side, even at his sup, was his beloved AR-15, which he called Black Bess.

As he clicked around The Conservative Daily Post, his gaze alighted upon the following headline: “Breaking: FBI confirms evidence of huge underground Clinton sex network”. Edgar’s brow furrowed, and stroking his goatee, he read on in great consternation: “A source from the FBI has indicated…that a massive child trafficking and pedophile sex ring operates in Washington, D.C. There are at least six members of Congress that partake in the pedophile ring, which they say was run directly with the Clinton Foundation as a front.” Working himself up into a right lather, Edgar visited the blog site 4Chan, where poster Warthog76 wrote, “Hillary, Bill, all of them knew/know and were active participants.” He also read, via reviews of Wikileaks release of emails from John Podesta, from definitive sources like The New Nationalist and The Vigilant Citizen, that all of this must have been orchestrated out of a DC area Pizzeria. He definitely confirmed it as true when he saw that similar stories appeared on the twitter feed of Lt. Gen. Michael T. Flynn, President-elect Donald J. Trump’s choice for national security adviser.

Chapter II
Edgar Maddison Welch Resolves to “Self-Investigate”

Gathering up Black Bess, Edgar did gas up his vehicle and set forth upon the road for the District of Columbia, determined to see for himself whether it was true that Mrs. Clinton was molesting and trafficking children in the restaurant’s back rooms, and if it be so, to rescue the poor unfortunates he found there.

Chapter III
Edgar Maddison Welch Shoots Up the Comet Ping Pong Pizzeria

Arriving at the busy DC establishment some hours later, Edgar burst in the door, and waving Black Bess, did menace the oven tenders, cashiers, and delivery boys, and demanded to be taken down to the lower levels of the eatery. Firing off rounds from the AR-15 to show that he meant business, Edgar satisfied himself that there were in fact no underage sex slaves present. Meanwhile, people inside the restaurant fled, and police locked down the area, and directed patrons of a nearby bookstore (called Politics and Prose) to remain locked inside. After a tense standoff with police, where Edgar did insist that he was only armed with the black AR-15 in the event that he needed to free the children, officers with rifles and protective gear fully surrounded the restaurant and did take Edgar into their custody.

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by Tedd Siegel