Ilya Repin, Barge Haulers on the Volga, 1870–1873 (Public Domain)
Come here now y’all, right ‘cross the street here.
Help me get this rent together.
Some give me a nickel and some give me a dime.–John Lee Hooker, House Rent Boogie
Get on your rental scooter and ride, serf. Hop on your city rental bike. Swipe your card and go! It’s your new serf-mobile. Prices start at just $10 per hour. Public transit is for losers and poor people. Why should you pay for them? Taxation is theft, but the tollbooth economy is not. It’s all about freedom, serf.
Convince your friends to rent scooters too. We can decommission the buses and the light rail. Think of the tax money we’ll save. There’s a discount for low income people who have a credit card. No, I don’t know how it works for old people or the disabled. Hook the scooter to the wheelchair somehow, I guess. Wait, can’t they buy a motorized wheelchair? Better yet, can’t they rent one? Not forever. Just until they die. Are you sure osteoporotic 90-year-olds can’t ride scooters? Unless you’re an osteoporotic 90-year-old, why is that even your problem?
Mind your own business and listen to your rental music, serf. That dope track from Drake is trending. Spotify is just $9.99 a month. Don’t have $9.99? TaskRabbit is hiring graphic designers. The contract goes to the lowest bidder. Undercut the rest of the precariat and it’s yours. You don’t need to own Photoshop. In fact, you can’t own it. Adobe Creative Cloud plans are just $20.99 per month for one app, $52.99 per month for all the apps. Think of the lump sum costs you’ll save by paying forever. No, not forever. Just until you die.
How are you liking the gig economy, serf? Are you loving it? You’re an entrepreneur now! Your first two hours of labor will go to Adobe each month, serf, so that you may labor for the rent. Apps ain’t free, but taxation is theft.
My mistake, serf. TaskRabbit’s toll is 15% of all earnings. The first two hours and fifteen minutes go to Adobe. And $8.25 per month to Microsoft for Office 365 Business. If you have anything left over–after rent for housing and your debt payment to your $50K student loan –Obamacare on the private exchange is just $393 per month. While it lasts. In case you get cancer or break your leg. Universal healthcare is for losers and poor people, and taxation is theft. You’re an economic monad, serf. Freedom. Bald eagles. Why should you pay for sick strangers? Let them get off of their lazy asses and generate their own damn $393 per month. Don’t they know TaskRabbit is hiring graphic designers? Contract goes to the lowest bidder. Think of the money you’ll save when the ACA is finally repealed.
If you can’t afford all of your rents, serf, maybe you can make some extra cash driving for Uber. Get a car payment and drive your car for Uber to pay your car payment. Perpetual motion debt generator. Not forever. Just until you die. Put the rest on your credit card, then rent your spare room on AirBnB to pay Citibank. See? Now you’re a landlord too! Doesn’t it feel good?
Exhausted? Why not relax and binge that popular series on Netflix? Basic streaming starts at just $7.99 per month. You can stream it on your Verizon mobile plan, which is just $125 per month for limited unlimited data. Or you can stream it on your Comcast broadband, which is just $95 per month with extended basic cable. Please don’t cut the cable. Please and thank you. We’ll throw in HBO for a year for free. You like Game of Thrones, right? No, it’s not a documentary. Dragons aren’t real.
Welcome to the new feudalism, serf. You can stop paying rents any time. All you have to do is die. That makes debt a choice, serf. Feudalism is about freedom and taxation is theft.
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I’ve been doing a lot of reading about the growing neo-rentier economy. Neo-feudalism essays are coming to In Dark Times soon. Please vote in November or we’re all fucked. That is all.
